– – “HE’S SO NEEDY!” , “SHE’S SO NEEDY!”
But what does it really mean to be needy?
Neediness, the attractiveness juice as I like to call, is something that paradoxically, the less you have of it – the more attractive you become. When you have a lot of it, it reveals itself in everything you do – the way you stand, speak, joke, wear, behave, your friends, what you drink, how you smile. Basically all of your words and actions. Yea, scary right?
Ok Mario, but really, what is neediness?
Let me explain,
At its core, neediness is essentially fear. The fear of abandonment. The fear of not knowing what might happen – of loss, of being alone or rejected. Humans crave connection, but most people tend to crave it so bad that they end up becoming anxious about it, and this is because most people are stuck in a scarcity paradigm. Being stuck in a scarcity mindset sends out signals of desperation to others and isn’t exactly the #1 attraction trait, I mean, do you like being around someone who just needs shit from you all the time? The cause is a lack of self-love and internal validation and it repels people.
Now, don’t beat yourself up for it if that text resonates with you. Every guy knows how it is to feel needy, because it’s a behaviour all people at some point have displayed or felt, but not necessarily been aware of.
Usually, neediness takes the shape of validation, and by that I mean approval and attention seeking. You’ve most likely encountered it many times as it cloaks itself as desperation, self-centredness, controlling, pick-up routines, clinginess, perfectionism, lying and other really un-attractive behaviours.
FILL YOUR OWN CUP
It’s making other people responsible for your own well-being, or rather, it’s needing other persons to make us feel good and fulfilled. Being needy is essentially you giving more fucks about other people’s perception of you, rather than the perception you have of yourself. You’re placing higher value on what someone thinks of you, rather than what you think of yourself. It’s sacrificing/changing your traits, thoughts, values and feelings in order to please someone else. It’s the person who wants to control how other people feels about him, instead of focusing on what he thinks and feels about himself.
It’s the guy who cares way too much and is being really nice even though he doesn’t want to be. The guy who texts a girl 13 times even though it’s “seen” and she doesn’t reply 🙂 Or the guy who confesses his love one the 1st date and then wonder why it’s not reciprocated (Man, seriously?). He’s the one usually over-invested in the girl, caring more about her opinion than his own. It’s the consumer who buys in to the latest fashion trends, pretending to be a baller, builds a massive following on Instagram because THEN and only then will he feel loved by others and feel okay with his existence. But he’s not going to feel okay because no matter how big of a baller he becomes, it doesn’t come from within.
Now a little positive attention isn’t bad, we all want connection and good vibes. But it depends on the place it comes from, the intention behind the actions. A guy who isn’t needy can still do all those things mentioned above since it comes from a place of abundance, and not a need for approval.
NEEDINESS = UNATTRACTIVE
So neediness pretty much makes you massively unattractive, because your actions and words comes with an agenda, an emotional attachment to a certain outcome. You’re motivated by winning approval and attention of others and trying to impress them in order to be liked and loved, and this actually makes you manipulative. It’s behaving in reaction to others, to satisfy others, to get reassured that you’re doing things right, that you’re okay and good enough.
The truth is, nobody is EVER responsible for how you feel. That’s YOUR job.
The problem begins when we look for other people to give us meaning or direction in life. Instead of liking, appreciating and accepting ourselves first, we think of how to be appreciated, accepted and liked by others first.
Newsflash homeboy. Forgot the shit you’ve been taught, you have no needs other than food, water, shelter and air. And yes, I’m aware of Mazlovs Hierachy needs. But no really, think about it. Not a single human being have died from failing to get what they want – whether that be approval, affection, “success” or the latest Apple Watch. Of course, not getting what we want can make us disappointed, frustrated or sad but we only get devastated by thinking we need – can’t live without or must have – what we only actually want.
Depending on others in order to feel good is what Stephen Covey mention in his “7th habits of highly effective people” as being dependent. In my own words, being in the dysfunctional neediness shithole I’ve explained above.
We’re going to further make use of Stephen Covey’s model in order for you to grasp the mindset of being needy and not being needy.
The next level, the mid-level, S.Covey talks about is independence.
It’s about realizing that you don’t need anyone in order to feel good. That it’s up to you and no one else to master your own emotions. To be able to build your self-worth up, to enjoy and self-entertain in whatever you’re doing and not having a goal/agenda to get anything from anyone, especially while dating a woman. To simply be de-attached from the outcome, and instead let the process itself become the outcome. To focus on your purpose and what’s important to you. Independence is where you’re simply having fun in life, on your own and with girls because it feels good to you. You’re being the source of your own good emotions.
And sure we could stay in a cave for the rest of our lives being all “Miss Independent – NeYo” on our own but there is a high chance it’ll drive us insane since we’re humans and crave connection. But it’s about the mindset, you’d still be fine on your own.
Now we’ve arrived at the third and highest level, interdependence.
So now you’ve grounded yourself, you’re being your own source of good emotions, you’ve learnt all the skills needed to become independent, charming, attractive, playful & challenging and being free from outcome.
And obviously, no man is an island and we still want, not need, other good people in our life. You still want a positive eco-system around you even though you could stay in the cave. If it turns out that these people around you have good values, good positive emotions and can help bring out the best of you in life, of course you want to bring them in to your life. In matter of fact, you should in accordance to your own values and qualifications – after all we are influenced by our environment and the people closest to us. That’s great, and you’ll make it happen because you’re reading this, but you don’t need them
How does a non-needy person behave?
A man who is non-needy is on his purpose, in alignment with himself, his desires, his values and his vision. The attractive, high-status man does not alter himself to please someone else. He is not perfect, but he is self-loving and perfectly fine with himself and does not crave approval of others. Obviously, I don’t recommend becoming a heartless, self-centred prick who only cares about oneself, that is narcissism and not cool at all. It’s not about being unavailable to new idea, values or thoughts or ignoring how other people view you. I’m saying that one should believe more in themselves, than in what others think of them.
After all, if you’re attracted and interested in someone, you should be affected and inspired to grow together. That’s like the whole point of a relationship, to create a stronger rope together, i.e. the relationship.
So how the heck do I get rid of neediness?
Don’t worry, it’s simple – but not that easy.
Dealing with neediness is not about saying the right things or acting a certain way. If you put on a performance it will only last so long because wherever you go, there you are. If you’re trying to become non-needy over a night for the reason of attracting others, you are still being needy. You can’t escape what’s underneath the mask.
It’s an internal delicate process that takes some time because it’s a shift in mindset & self-worth. There are three keywords that is going to help propel you forward in this area.
Authenticity – Abundance – Vulnerability.
– Being vulnerable is the key to becoming non-needy.
– Build up your self-worth & self-respect
– Be on your purpose – be someone you want to be. That someone you know you could become if you don’t avoid what you know you need to do. #JordanP
– Set boundaries & learn social competence.
– Qualify people with a “Power Switch” mindset = instead of feeling the need to impress, worrying about being liked or what to say, flip it around. What can THEY do, say or behave to impress you? Ignore the superficial traits, is she good enough for you? What are her character-traits?
– Don’t look for approval, validate yourself.
– Care for your own happiness.
– Love yourself.
If you get a sudden rush of neediness. Remind yourself, you are just being needy. It’s cool, it happens to all of us. Don’t resist it. That which we resist, persist. Accept it and observe it, and then keep moving forward. Keep doing your thing, keep meeting people, do something you love and remind yourself that YOU hold the key to all good emotions inside of you. YOU are complete on your own, everything else is just a bonus.
Now, go take action, you badass.